Note: I’ve been low on words lately, with “lately” spanning weeks. I’m still working to understand what’s been happening to me. I disappear when I begin losing words. It’s hard to explain. Communication, particularly verbal communication, becomes excruciating. So I do it as little as possible.
I can’t talk, but I can write. Or I can write, but I can’t text. I can produce spontaneous words, but I can’t reply. Or I can interact in a public forum, for a little bit, but not in a private message. Or maybe I can talk with some people but not others and who that is changes daily, hourly, even by the minute. I think about so many people all of the time and I want to say things to every one of you who has tried to talk to me and even those who haven’t tried that I think about anyway, but I can’t. I don’t like what happens to me when I try to make myself.
Maybe later I’ll be able to write more about that, to explain what it’s like and why I don’t force myself to interact much anymore. But I don’t have language for that right now, either.
I produced this during one of my especially distant periods. It’s raw, particularly in the beginning. It’s unedited. It uses lots of repetition. But if you stick with it to the end, maybe you’ll understand the title of this post a little better: where I am, where I’ve been. Maybe it will make a little more sense why I haven’t gotten back to you. Why, much as I want to, I can’t.